… and April Fools Begins…

Bay Guardian – t was hard in the good old days. Back when we were young and San Francisco was cheap and I was really cool with my long hair and motorcycle and stuff. You could rent an apartment for $200 a month, and even though we weren’t making much money in those days, there was plenty left over for drugs.
Back then, a guy like me would never have respected a politician like Gavin Newsom. You know: Party pooper. High-society twit. He even blamed his drinking for his tawdry affairs; we always though our tawdry affairs were the best reason for our drinking. And we never went into rehab. How, like, Betty Ford can you be?
But now I’m older and have a family and take cholesterol medication and I’ve come to realize how much I like Gavin Newsom. I mean, I don’t like him, not all Beth Spotswood or anything, but he’s growing on me.
I remember when he was running for reelection, and he came down to the Guardian to talk to us, and I asked him why he should get another term when the city was so eminently fucked up, and he said: “Gee, why did I even bother to get up this morning?”
That’s the kind of question you’d never hear Jerry Brown or John Garamendi ask. They know why they got up this morning; they are past the time of wonder and self-doubt.
Old farts is what they are.
So this week we endorse Gavin — Our Mayor — for governor of California. You won’t read that in SF Weekly — they don’t even do endorsements, pathetic little shits.
In other news, I’m happy to announce that the Guardian has settled its lawsuit with SF Weekly and Village Voice Media.

You remember that silly thing — we sued because the Weekly was supposedly selling ads below cost and trying to put us out of business? Well, after much discussion, we’ve come to the conclusion that newspapers are all pretty much doomed anyway, and we might as well stop fighting and try to protect our collective jobs and collective asses as long as we can.
You may have read that Rep. Nancy Pelosi, after meeting with Guardian Publisher Bruce Brugmann, agreed to ask the Justice Department to stop worrying about antitrust laws when it comes to newspaper mergers. With that assurance, the Weekly and the Guardian have decided to form a joint operating agreement. Both papers will continue to publish, but the VVM chain will control all finances and set all editorial policy. Under the terms of the agreement, the Guardian will drop its legal action and “shut the fuck up” about PG&E, sunshine, media concentration, rent control, and over-development.
As usual, Brugmann was not available for comment and declined to make any statement to the press. But I can safely say that he and his wife, Jean Dibble, are prepared to retire to the Caribbean home they bought with the big bags of money VVM paid to end the hostilities. Bruce will continue to write his blog, but he’ll talk about snorkeling a lot more.
The new Guardian publisher will be Andy Van de Voorde, currently VVM’s hit man in Denver who did such a bang-up job covering our trial. He has graciously allowed me to continue writing this column, as long as I promise, starting today, April 1, never to imply that he has ever had carnal relations with a goat.
Sure thing, Andy! Welcome aboard!